So Secede Already

We need someone in a position of authority to finally say what needs to be said: the Civil War was a shit-show. No, not the emancipation part. I’m talking about the part where mouth-breathers were allowed to stay in same nation as the nose-breathers.

Daniel Day-Lewis might just be the greatest film actor of his generation. Film actor. But if he was really good he could stay in character as Lincoln forever–like Joaquin Phoenix’s faux hip hop character or the time Val Kilmer made everyone on the set of The Doors call him Jim. As a nation we’ve grown so stupid that if Mr. Lewis continued on as Lincoln in real life eventually people would forget he was acting. Then he could run for President, as the original Lincoln, and finally admit to the public that his past-Lincoln self, well, fucked up royally.

In a stump speech in Gettysburg he could say, “seven score and seven years ago a great tragedy befell this great nation. The preservation of our union has elicited unintended consequences, not the least of which is Lindsay Graham. My deepest apologies. Or, as you kids say, my bad.”

I imagine that if Daniel Abe were in office today he would still be the badass rail-splitting, vampire-slaying mo-fo he was back then. Just like the old days he would suspend the writ of habeas corpus and put together his very own militia all while wearing that awesome fucking hat. (No one wears hats like that anymore and gets away with it.  Even the cats from Queer Eye would be all like, “OMG, that hat is fierce.”)

Anyway. We need someone in a position of authority to finally say what needs to be said: the Civil War was a shit-show. No, not the emancipation part. I’m talking about the part where mouth-breathers were allowed to stay in same nation as the nose-breathers. The part where lunatics who believe the earth was created in seven days and the Westboro Church “has a point” no longer have votes equal to people who have all of their teeth and believe in climate change.

Had the south won, we northerners could have taken all of the black people and solved the whole problem of slavery. Selfishly we would also have inherited great music, heart-stopping (but delicious) food, humor, and the best sports teams anywhere. Am I stereotyping? Sure. But along with these cultural benefits, we would also have handy items such as key chains, traffic lights, elevators and air conditioning; all things invented by brothers. Think the south sucks now? Try walking up seven flights of stairs in Alabama because you’re apartment building doesn’t have an elevator, only to fumble around in your pocket to find the loose key that fits the door to your hot-ass apartment. And that’s after it took you an hour to drive two miles because there’s a stop sign on every corner instead of a light.

The south would have essentially become a hot, stupid Denmark. A no-man’s land full of white people wondering where the fuck all the culture went.

Seriously, it’s time to break ties. Just let it go. And take Paul Ryan, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin with you. I completely understand that I’m throwing away Miami in this transaction but we’ll just re-open trade with Cuba. We’re even willing to give up Texas so long as you free everyone who lives in Austin. Once we’ve worked out the details (our team of negotiators will likely be the cast of the Sopranos) President Day-Lewis-Lincoln can re-establish and extend the Mason-Dixon line and bring our border patrol studs up from Mexico to patrol it.

I’m not being an obnoxious New Yorker by suggesting this, by the way. You’re the ones that started the petition to secede. No problem, amigo. You can have your guns and small-penis anger. We’ll take jazz and Chris Rock. It’s obvious we have nothing in common anymore. C’est la vie. (That’s French for “fuck it.”) Frankly, every time I see one of these hillbillies spout off about how much they love the 2nd Amendment because it’s the highest number their momma done taught them, I think, “Oh, Abe…. You’re a sly one! Joke’s on us you stovepipe hat wearing motherfucker.”

So let’s divvy it up. We get Obama, you get Honey Boo Boo. Seems like a fair trade. Besides, you haven’t invented anything since the cotton gin and cigarettes. We’ll get by wearing fine polyester blends and smoking weed instead. After that we basically just snip a few stars from the flag, re-write the lyrics to Fifty Nifty United States and we’re good.

So, yeah. Take your southern hospitality, Lindsay Graham, the Westboro Church, the NRA, and deep-fried-everything and shove it all up your big, white ass. Our new Secretary of Defense will be from Brooklyn and our President will be Daniel Day-Fucking-Lewis. As Lincoln. Back for another pass to set shit straight.

Author: Jed Morey

Jed Morey is the publisher of the Long Island Press, LI's Cultural Arts and Investigative News Journal. The Press has a monthly circulation of 100,000, and, welcomes more than 500,000 unique visitors every month. He serves on the board of the Holocaust Memorial and Tolerance Center in Nassau County, as well as the President's Council of Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Long Island. In addition to the contributions on this blog, Morey authors a column for the Long Island Press titled "Off The Reservation" and is a staunch advocate for Indian rights. The column was voted Best Column in New York by the NY Press Association in 2010 and third overall in the nation among alternative publications by the Association of Alternative Weeklies in 2012. Morey lives in Glen Cove with his wife, Eden White, and their two daughters.

10 thoughts on “So Secede Already”

  1. I would love to leave a reply but it’s hard too see the keyboard with the tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. Jed, you just gave Bill Maher a run for his money. You should be his next guest.

  2. Jed, your ignorance shines brightly… and be careful what you wish for.

    First, Lincoln was motivated more by stopping secession and maintaining the Union than the emancipation of slaves, as depicted in the movie and most textbooks.

    Second, a civil war in which 10% of the US population was killed was a crime against humanity. To put the loss of human life in perspective, had the civil war occurred today, Lincoln’s War would have killed 30,000,000 Americans. Considering that every civilized Western nation in history ended slavery without such bloodshed; Lincoln’s War deserves some criticism.

    Third, had Lincoln not pushed the US into civil war and allowed secession, the South would have suffered the loss of great contributions by blacks emigrating to the North. The South would have not long survived both the depravity of slavery and the loss of the contributions made by black Americans. The North would have been better served by letting the southern states secede in 1861, as you rant, and suffer from their evil ways. Slavery would have eventually ended without the killing of 10% of American population.

    Today, Demographic trends indicate that blacks are immigrating in significant numbers from the North to the South, where there are more plentiful jobs and less segregation…less segregation than in most of the North, consider the continued segregation in Long Island.

    Finally, The Northeast and California which embrace socialist economic systems and are suffering static economies with massive deficits and a lack of economic growth as compared to most of the South. The time is approaching when the North will be seeking a redistribution of wealth from the Southern and Western states to the Northeastern states.

    Secession today would leave the North in financial ruin…be careful what you wish for.

  3. Cliff. It’s a humor piece. But since you’re engaged…The southern states can thank President Obama any time now for rescuing their budgets with the stimulus package. They can also admit to being debtor states, i.e., more under water than the rest of us. Welfare states. System suckers. Entitlement recipients. And in case you missed it Jerry Brown balanced the California budget and they’re projecting a surplus for 2013 with a billion dollar reserve for rainy days and an increase in public education. He did it by raising taxes on wealthy people who, magically, didn’t leave California. And my money is on Cuomo to continue doing the same in New York.

    As for your idea that we shouldn’t have fought the Civil War… it takes two to tango buddy boy. My guess is that your notion that slavery would have died out anyway (the social equivalent of a free and unfettered marketplace without regulations) would be rather unpopular with the blacks you say are moving down south in droves right now. I would also venture to say that this is dead-fucking wrong. Laws change behavior over time. Pick up the New York Times today and read Kristof’s piece on human trafficking and violence against women and let me know how the “free” market is working with respect to human rights around the globe. Don’t be a sore revisionist loser.

  4. 1). California and most Northeastern (welfare) states are far less financially solvent that most Southern, Southwestern and Western states. 2). Obama’s massive spending has directed significant funds to states but has significantly increased the federal debt as a consequence. 3). Most Southern, Southwestern and Western states are not in favor of the federal Government’s power grab over state authority.

    The US is the largest debter nation in the history of Mankind. This will have consequences. The US is becoming more polarized and viseral in the dissagreements over national policies that infringe on states’ rights. This is why I believe Lincoln and the period before the civil war is so relevant today.

    Your voice is cynical but the issues are dire and the national debate deserves uncynical and serious attention.

  5. Oh…as far as responsibility for “starting” the civil war; Lincoln is most responsible for escalating hostilities and pushing the South “up against a wall” into military conflict. The South’s solution to overeaching federal power was secession not war. Lincoln was fanatical about forcing the South to stay in the “Union”. Lincoln’s solution to force the South from secession was civil war.

    Your cynical comment that “it takes two to tango” is an evasion from assigning responsibility for the death of 700,000 Americans. All Lincoln had to do is what you now cynically advocate, “So secede already”

  6. The South has risen again and enslaved the rest of us. Note that Limbaugh’s family of Ft Girardeau, Missouri (a border state) were all Confederates.

    Oh, and Fiscal Cliff, along with the rest his fact-challenged ilk, is in Fantasy Land when it comes to regional economic performance which measures a wide parameter, such as health and education of the populace.

  7. Jed-

    I enjoyed the column.. hell yes– secede, ya wankers. If only. I’m still nursing my chubby from Obama’s inauguration speech; mentioning gays as something more than an afterthought during… What a hopeful sign, huh? The gravey-esque collective gasp from the right has also put a spring in my step.

    well done–

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