The Winglish Dictionary. Left and Right

The Winglish Dictionary is a compendium of political terms and phrases as interpreted by the “Left” and “Right” wings of the American political spectrum. Feel free to add your own definitions in the comment fields or suggest additional terms for our crack team to research.

Capitalism

Rightwinglish
ca.pit.al.ism (noun): an economic system derived from theory uncovered in the book of Genesis whereby God created the free market (the earth), labor to exploit (Adam and Eve) and the corporation (serpent). Discovered by Adam Smith, perfected by Milton Friedman.

Leftwinglish
ca.pit.al.ism (noun): (1) a term originally defined by socialists at the turn of the Twentieth Century to define an economic system whereby ownership of private property is the basis for wealth and investment.  (2) an efficient economic model that when stripped of a rigorous regulatory framework can go terribly, terribly wrong.

Climate Change

Rightwinglish
cli.mate change (noun): (1) a hoax of epic proportion invented by Al Gore (shortly after he created the Internet) that is designed to infringe upon the God-given right of a corporation (see: person) to determine acceptable levels of pollution in the name of progress at any cost. (2) a naturally occurring phenomenon that rids the earth of weak-brained creatures such as dinosaurs (source neededexistence unclear) and liberals, neither of which possess the ingenuity to adapt. (3) a cost of doing business.

Leftwinglish
cli.mate change (noun): a manmade phenomenon whereby industrial pollution, in addition to creating a public health emergency, simultaneously strips away layers of the ozone while trapping greenhouse gases thereby forcing an unnatural rise in the earth’s temperature with disastrous consequences.

Debt Ceiling

Rightwinglish
debt cei.ling (noun): (1) a legislative limit to the amount of funds the United States government is allowed to borrow set by responsible Republicans concerned with future generations. (2) a figure that must be set in stone during a Democratic administration, yet flexible during that of a Republican.

Leftwinglish
debt cei.ling (noun): something Republicans only talk about when a Democrat is in office. 

Enemy Combatant

Rightwinglish

en.em.y com.bat.ant (noun): An individual who presents a clear and present danger to the security of the American people by (1)Being brown, (2)Having a funny-sounding name, and/or (3)Calling God “Allah” (which is Arabic for “God”)

Leftwinglish

en.em.y com.bat.ants (noun): Republicans.

Courtesy of Winglish Wednesday winners Anonymous (right) and Matt Paust (left).

Entitlements

Rightwinglish
en.ti.tle.ments (noun): a sense whereby liberals raise taxes on hard-working patriots to pay for lazy people who don’t work, roughly 47% of the US population. See also: welfare state.

Leftwinglish
en.ti.tle.ments (noun): legal term for programs citizens have paid into such as Social Security, Medicare, and unemployment insurance. Said citizens cannot reap benefits without having contributed to the programs. See also: 401K packages. Unrelated to (noun) entitlement; sense of.

Family Values

Rightwinglish
fa.mi.ly val.ues (noun): cherished ideals such as marriage between a man and a woman, in a predominantly white society that lives abundantly as set forth by our Creator and delivered by Jesus Christ, an unmarried, brown-skinned homeless man who told others to give away their earthly possessions.

Leftwinglish
fa.mi.ly val.ues (noun): stuff Jesus actually talked about.

Gun Control

Rightwinglish
gun con.trol (noun): measure whereby liberals seek to circumvent the second amendment rights given to us by our Creator and the Founding Fathers, to bear and keep arms, any arms, in unlimited amount, by whomever, and to use them against imminent threats to be decided and interpreted by the bearer, as a means to restrict government’s continued infringements against our freedom. See also: Hitler, “Stand Your Ground” law.

Leftwinglish
gun con.trol (noun): common sense reform includes limiting access to high capacity magazines, military-type semi-automatic weapons, and mandatory background checks for gun buyers/sellers to be cross-referenced nationally.

Immigration

Rightwinglish
imm.i.gra.tion (noun): a dangerous process by which terrorists and colored people who speak in foreign tongues attempt to infiltrate the United States and make babies while stealing jobs from white people and living off welfare.

Leftwinglish
imm.i.gra.tion (noun): the process by which every citizen came to reside in the United States with the exception of American Indians.

Job Creators

Rightwinglish
job cre.at.ors (noun): blessed and noble people who should pay little to no income taxes for they are the engines of Capitalism.

Leftwinglish
job cre.at.ors (noun): the Chinese government

Marriage Equality

Rightwinglish
marr.i.age e.qual.i.ty (noun): the notion of marriage for any heterosexual person as given by God and maintained in the Constitution. Does not include: marriage for the gays, human to animal, polygamy, or redneck to a firearm (with certain exceptions as defined by Mississippi State law.)

Leftwinglish
marr.i.age e.qual.i.ty (noun): the union of two individuals determined to share equally in both the joy and misery of an institution established when the average life expectancy of a human was thirty-five.

Obamacare

Rightwinglish
o.ba.ma.care (noun): the notion that taxpayers should use their hard-earned money to pay the doctor bills of those who can but do not work, the forcing of small businesses to pay for the health insurance of employees at the expense of their profitability, forcing them to cut worker’s hours, the forced financing by Catholics to pay for the recreational abortions of the morally corrupt. Much different than its origins in Massachusetts as a means for the state to intervene to force responsibility for health care on her citizenry, by mandating health insurance. See also: socialism.

Leftwinglish
o.ba.ma.care (noun): (1) middle of the road compromise between a “single payer” healthcare system that seems to work everywhere else on the planet and the most expensive, least productive system we currently have. (2) meh.

Patriot

Rightwinglish
pa.tri.ot (noun): (1) a white citizen, born in the United States, forged in steel and armed to the teeth. (2) someone who defends his or her (but really his) constitutional rights against terrorism and tyranny by never questioning the government. See: Charlton Heston. See also: Ronald Reagan.

Leftwinglish
pa.tri.ot (noun): a man or a woman who exercises his or her constitutional rights to fight for a more just and righteous system of government for every person, even if that constitutional right is to question said government.

Patriot Act (Also known as The Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001) 

 Rightwinglish

Pa.tri.ot Act (noun): (circa 2001-2008): measure of great importance to solidify defense in the War on Terror. Access by subcontractors of the NSA to look into the private acts of evildoers in order to access their secret plans and thwart plots against ‘Merica.

 UPDATE: overreaching and “un-American,” according to Jim Sensenbrenner, author of Act. (2013)

Leftwinglish

Pa.tri.ot Act (noun)(2001-8) disturbing overreach by government, infringing on the privacy rights of those who are to be presumed innocent and protected under the Constitution from warrantless search and seizure.

 (2008-present) – Necessary to protect citizens from terrorist plots, including cyber attacks. Revelations of phone records and online activities of innocent Americans tapped by NSA subcontractors is expected, commended, not an issue if one has nothing to hide, and an asset to the War on Terror. See also: yawn.

Pro-Life

Rightwinglish
pro.life (adjective): (1) stance of the morally righteous, anti-baby killing, including but not limited to, made-up claims of “rape” or “incest;” and the honoring God’s will.  The overriding of human rights by the fetus over the rights of the “host,” including but not limited to risking the life of said host. (2) anti-taxpayer funded murder. See also: pro gun, pro war, pro death penalty.

Leftwinglish
pro.life (adjective): anti-choice; stance made by men overriding a woman’s dominion over her own body; the forcing a woman to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term. See also: conservative stance against social programs for the poor, including but not limited to welfare, nutrition, and health care for the children they fight for the births of, ie. bottomfeeders.

Queer

Rightwinglish 

queer (adjective): a derogatory term traditionally meant to subjugate those that refuse to be a part of status quo.

Leftwinglish

queer (adjective): – RIGHT a community of folks who resist the gender binary and are free to be in relationships with folks they like to be with.

(Courtesy of Weekly Winglish winner Jon V. Green)

Rape

Rightwinglish
rape (verb): divided into several subcategories: “Legitimate Rape” – an action whereby a man forces sex on a woman who is not willing to engage in sexual behavior and communicates this by wearing conservative clothing and acting in an appropriate manner, ie. not consuming alcohol and/or “roofies” or by not entering a celibate religious order. “Forceable Rape” – a legitimate type, as opposed to “Spousal Rape,” “Statutory Rape,” and/or “Prison Rape.”

Leftwinglish
rape (verb): to force someone to have sex against his or her will. Period.

Renewable Energy 

Rightwinglish
re.new.a.ble en.er.gy (noun): (1) oil. (2) natural gas. (3) coal. (4) nuclear.

Leftwinglish
re.new.a.ble en.er.gy (noun): (1) energy derived from naturally occurring sources such as the sun and the wind that are replenished continuously (2) the thing we will all someday wish we figured out how to use more of when houses in Ohio are waterfront property on the Atlantic.

Sequester

Rightwinglish
se.quest.er (noun): (1) the culmination of President Obama’s ineptness, sly manipulation to make drastic cuts in defense, self-imposed punishment of the people to exacerbate divisiveness and to weaken America. (2) a means for Obama to try to raise more taxes to fund entitlements. Not at all the across the board spending cuts that John McCain and Mitt Romney proposed.

Leftwinglish
se.quest.er (noun): bi-partisan shit-show of an indiscriminate ten percent cut to domestic and defense spending set up to force Congress’ hands into creating a workable budget.

Socialism

Rightwinglish
so.cial.ism (noun): It’s not really clear, but it’s definitely bad and President Obama loves it. See also: Communism, Fascism, Satanism, Liberalism, Pansyism

Leftwinglish
so.cial.ism (noun): an economic system that advocates for social ownership of the means of distribution. Socialist motto: “To each according to his contribution,” meaning that economic rewards are based upon positive contribution to society. Seen in the United States’ public school system, which offers schooling to all children and is funded by property taxes and supplemented, based on need, by state and federal funding. Competition arises in the private school sector, which is a separately funded alternative to public schools.

Torture

Rightwinglish
tor.ture (noun): (1) the process by which information is safely and lawfully extracted from evil-doers in the name of national security (2) slang for rendition

Leftwinglish
tor.ture (noun): (1) illegal (2) knowing that millions of people listen to Rush Limbaugh and think he’s terrific (3) the Fox and Friends morning show.

Transparency

Rightwinglish

trans.pa.ren.cy (noun): clarity with which to view the functions and/or actions of government; to which the American public is in no way entitled to, especially if it comes by at the hands of the likes of anti-Patriot Julian Assange et al.

Leftwinglish

trans.pa.ren.cy (noun): something President Obama keeps saying we need, keeps promising to provide, but does not seem to grasp the meaning of; secret courts.

War

Rightwinglish
war (noun): the left’s continuation of restriction of liberty of, including but not limited to: Christmas, religion, guns, marriage, and family, but definitely not on women.

Leftwinglish
war (noun): armed conflict declared by Congress, within the confines of world law and United Nations sovereignty. Continuations of Republican-led battles on such wide-ranging subjects as drugs and terror. Non-pre-emptive. See also: Guantanamo, drones, surge.

Whistleblower 

RightWinglish

whi.stle.blo.wer: (noun) a soon-to-be ex-patriot who thrives on compromising the sovereignty of the nation.

LeftWinglish

whi.stle.blo.wer: (noun) the act of a conscientious objector.

(Courtesy of Winglish Winner Dorian Stern)

 

Author: Jaime and Jed

Jaime Franchi is a frequent contributor to JedMorey.com. Jed Morey is the founder and curator of the site. Sometimes they are inspired to collaborate on an idea so brilliant it takes two minds to piece it together. Or they're just too lazy to do it individually. Either way, they hope you enjoyed whatever you just read.

5 thoughts on “The Winglish Dictionary. Left and Right”

  1. Indeed I did enjoy this immensely. It’s all sad, but sadly true… There are many imps amongst us…Go left young man/woman!

  2. I may be wrong…but I detect a tiny bias in favor of the left.

    Am I misreading…or what?

    (ASIDE: I agree with it all…which probably means I am not misreading it at all.)

    Good stuff, Youse!

  3. RightWinglish-WhistleBlower:(noun) a soon-to-be ex-patriot who thrives on compromising the sovereignty of the nation. LeftWinglish-WhistleBlower:(adjective) the act of a conscientious objector.

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