Putting the “Fun” in Fundamentalism

For those who insist on God as part of the original intent in America, allow me to disabuse you of the most commonly mistaken beliefs. To begin, there are no references to God in the Constitution.

The “my-perverted-form-of-Christianity-is-crazier-than-yours” show will be coming to New York soon when the GOP candidates come-a-barnstorming through our blue state. I have already received a lovely letter from Willard Romney asking for my support as if things aren’t bad enough with Tebow-mania sweeping the region.

My pitiful Jets. Sigh. That’s for another day.

Recently, my wife and I were fortunate to procure tickets to The Book of Mormon on Broadway. As one would imagine, it was delightfully wicked and painfully funny. (Unless, of course, you’re a Mormon, in which case I wouldn’t recommend it.) But its brilliance isn’t necessarily its provocative humor as much as its ability to bring the audience from uproarious laughter to dead silence within seconds. For all of its entertaining vulgarity, this Broadway show is a cautionary tale against the evils of forcing a belief system down the throats of others. If nothing else, it will leave you wondering how this particular sect became so powerful and accepted as to produce the odds-on favorite for the GOP nomination.

On the same side of the bizarro-spectrum is the new breed of Christian fundamentalist personified by Rick Santorum, the former Pennsylvania senator. In addition to the many things I find loathsome about him and other sanctimonious politicians is their annoying habit of twisting the words of the Constitution and, in particular, the Founding Fathers.

The rise of the conservative Christian fundamentalist clutching the Bible in one hand and the Constitution in the other is one of the more intellectually insulting developments of our time. The Founding Fathers were undoubtedly brilliant. But many of their flaws such as their racism and infidelity have been whitewashed over time, explained away as unfortunate characteristics of the era instead of the morally reprehensible traits they have always been. By claiming ownership of their ideas and intentions, the conservative fundamentalist movement has completely distorted the spirit of the Constitution. In everything they did the Founding Fathers—many of them downright heathens if ever there were any—took great pains to eradicate the role of God in governance. After all, these were men who knew and understood that America was settled by people fleeing, not seeking, religious persecution.

One needs to look no further than the Constitution itself to discover that our form of government was intended to be an entirely secular affair. Moreover, The Federalist Papers, which offers the greatest insight into the intentions set forth by the most scholarly of the Founding Fathers, explicitly denounced religious influence over government.  In his portion of the introduction, James Madison credits the “zeal for different opinions concerning religion,” among other things, with having, “divided mankind into parties, inflamed them with mutual animosity, and rendered them much more disposed to vex and oppress each other than to co-operate for their common good.” The majority of the writings proffered by our forefathers echo this sentiment. While freedom of religion among citizens was indeed a critical aspect of their collective philosophy, so too was freedom from religion.

This doesn’t mean they weren’t men of faith. In fact, my guess is that if they heard Rick Santorum profess that JFK’s insistence upon separation of church and state made him want to throw up, the Founding Fathers would likely vomit themselves.  After a good laugh at Santorum’s expense and a few hits of opium, Benjamin Franklin would take off with one of his several prostitute paramours, Jefferson would go back to chasing Sally Hemmings around her slave quarters, Washington would return to bidding on a few more colored people, Hamilton would resume paying hush money to the husband of his 20-something-year-old mistress, Adams would continue attempting to imprison reporters under the Alien and Sedition Acts, and Aaron Burr would get back to his target practice.

These guys would have fit in perfectly today with the likes of former Nevada Sen. John Ensign and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who both called for President Clinton’s impeachment over the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal while simultaneously carrying on extra-marital affairs of their own— the former with the wife of his best friend.

But enough about those God-fearing noblemen; let’s get on to the oft-abused phrases that seemingly comprise the bulk of Middle America’s knowledge of American history.

For those who insist on God as part of the original intent in America, allow me to disabuse you of the most commonly mistaken beliefs. To begin, there are no references to God in the Constitution. Period. Furthermore, the phrase “under God” was not part of the original Pledge of Allegiance, which was written by a socialist, by the by; it was formally adopted by Congress in 1954 as a reaction to the rise of secular Communism. I’ve also heard the argument the president serves the Almighty first and foremost because the Oath of Office closes with the phrase: “so help me God.” This is true, but you should know that it was ad-libbed by George Washington, not originally written as such. And finally, “In God We Trust” is neither from the Constitution nor the Declaration of Independence. It’s on our money. How very Christian of us.American history is fascinating and the work of our Founding Fathers is legendary and enduring, but it’s important to get it right. So too is it important to understand the origins of the modern Christian fundamentalist movement. In a nutshell:

A couple of babbling prophets roamed the country in the 1800s and early 1900s selling a new shiny brand of Jesus with little attention paid to them. Then, in the 1920s, Bruce Barton, best known as one of the “B’s” in the BBD&O ad agency, published The Man Nobody Knows. It was a self-help book about Corporate Jesus that spread like wildfire, and the fundamentalist movement latched on immediately with the thought that if you’re successful in this life, then Jesus must love you. Of course, the flip side of that coin is that if you’re poor through no fault of your own, it must be because Jesus hates you. Fundamentalists don’t like that side of the story much, though.

That’s right; the babbling nomadic Christian fundamentalists who evangelized throughout the United States were universally recognized as the crazy people they were until they got a makeover by the Don Draper of the 1920’s. The result: Rick Santorum. And the people who believed Jesus buried golden tablets (that no one ever actually saw) in the three days between dying on the cross and rising again only to later tell an angel named Moroni to let Joseph Smith know that the plates were buried in his back yard…in Rochester…New York…? I give you, Mitt Romney.

These are the GOP frontrunners that shall walk among us next month in a primary that looks like it actually might matter. And since I have maintained my Republican registration, I get to weigh in on this contest. Any thoughts on which one I should pull the lever, er, fill in the bubble for? Can I just go all the way and write in “Tim Tebow?” What the hell, right? Oops! There I go again.

Republicans Force Tax Breaks (Down Our Throats). Merry X-Mas America.

In this photo rendered from video via C-SPAN, shows the final vote tally on the bill to avoid income tax increases on Jan. 1. Acting with uncommon speed, Congress moved toward final passage Thursday night Dec. 16, 2010 of sweeping, bipartisan legislation to avoid a Jan. 1 spike in income taxes for millions and renew jobless benefits for victims of the worst recession in 80 years. (AP Photo/C-Span)

When the Republicans took control of Congress during President Bill Clinton’s first term, it took a while before the “Gingrich Republicans” imploded. Newt Gingrich rose to prominence as Speaker of the House by helping to craft and deliver the Republicans’ “Contract with America,” a document outlining their legislative initiatives. One of the young Turks in Gingrich’s inner circle was John Boehner, the man who is about to take over the position once occupied by his former mentor.

Boehner has been getting a good deal of face time and ink lately. Although he has been around the national political scene for two decades, the country is now getting to know the man with the tan and the new plan for America. Borrowing a page from the Gingrich playbook and delivering the Republicans’ “Pledge to America,” Boehner has put himself on the front lines of the war against President Barack Obama alongside Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the man who stated that his No. 1 objective is to ensure that Obama is a one-term president.

Both men are unapologetic when it comes to defending big business, tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans and political campaign donations. McConnell’s all-night filibuster against the McCain-Feingold bill for campaign finance reform and the infamous incident when Boehner handed out contributions from tobacco companies to his colleagues on the House floor speak volumes about what makes them tick.

And that’s cool. It illustrates who they are and what their intentions are: power and control. But lately the platitudes they’re offering through McConnell’s measured speeches about wanting Obama to change and Boehner’s public blubbering on 60 Minutes sound disingenuous, particularly in light of Republicans strong-arming Congress to push through the Tax Relief Unemployment Extension Bill, extending what are known colloquially as the “Bush Era Tax Cuts.”

Douglas Adams, author of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, famously wrote, “If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family Anatidae on our hands.” Perhaps an appropriate update might be: “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and shits all over your living room carpet while flapping about and knocking over your valuables, we have to consider the possibility it’s actually an elephant in duck’s clothing.” And this is no lame duck we’re talking about here. In fact, this duck is vibrant enough to hobble America with its arrogance.

The bill has Americans quibbling over the fine points, namely the extension of tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans. While this might be deplorable, it’s hardly the most outrageous thing happening at the moment. The bill is essentially a third-round stimulus package that pumps nearly $1 trillion back into the economy over the next two years, requiring the federal government to dig deeper into debt while we attempt to pull out of the Great Recession. It’s a gamble that may actually boost President Obama’s approval ratings in the coming months if consumers begin to feel that things are turning around. Or not.

Either way, the real crime here is the way in which Democrats and Republicans alike have negotiated this bill and the $8 billion of proposed earmarks that come along with it.  What’s remarkable about this number is that it exceeds the entire amount requested in the Zadroga bill to compensate 9/11 responders who are dealing with illnesses related to cleaning up the toxic aftermath of the World Trade Center collapse. (Watch Jon Stewart’s reaction piece to Republican hypocrisy related to 9/11 – you’ll laugh through your tears.)

The wave of anger that swept away so many incumbents and installed an entirely new cadre of jackals in November was powerful and effective. But anger burns faster than Boehner’s two-pack-a-day habit.

President Obama may be taking hits for being cool and aloof, but by the time the next election cycle comes around he may look like the only sane one in the room. As president, maybe he should be calm, cool and collected. What has me flummoxed is how the tri-state congressmen and senators aren’t publicly losing their minds every day like Rep. Anthony Weiner did with Rep. Peter King – and that was an argument over procedure by two guys who favor the Zadroga bill.While Republicans in Congress have been busy masquerading as thinking, feeling human beings, the Democrats are busy feasting on their favorite meal: themselves. Any hope that they would muster some palpable outrage to aid the Zadroga bill quietly drowned in the tidal wave of tax cut rhetoric. Not even Sen. Charles Schumer, one of the most powerful Senators in modern times, could marshal enough votes to bring the bill forward, let alone raise his voice. As he took the Senate floor to urge his colleagues to “step up to the plate” and pass the 9/11 Health Care bill, he calmly yielded the floor four minutes later. At least Boehner cries when he thinks about billionaires having to pay 3 percent more on their taxes.